It would have been a great tragedy had I not chosen to attend ministry school last night. I skipped the two weeks before, and almost missed last night as well. I knew it was a night of impartation, but I had no idea what that meant. I anticipated great emotion, and in doing so I anxiously waited on my friend Brittney to pick me up. Anxiety overcame me and I was really regretting my decision to go. I am a master of deflection, and I tend to shut down when anything to charismatic or emotionally intense comes my way.
We walked in, and I mentally prepared myself with the usual self-shaming ritual of comparison and insecurity. My mind and I often find ourselves in unusual battles while other people are around. It normally goes something like this…
“Try not to say anything too blunt tonight”
“Just smile, and be calm so people don’t think you are too much”
“Why does everyone seem so spiritual ”
“Why does God never encounter me”
“I wish he would choose me just once”
After I sufficiently put myself down I started listening to Mama Cherrie talk about what impartation is, and what it looked like. She lost me at “one time a lady was laid out for seven days and seven nights, and people had to help her go to the bathroom”. So of course the next thing I did was get up and go to the bathroom. I mean if something that intense was going to happen I might as well make sure I had an empty bladder.
In my heart I wanted the encounter that they talked about. Deep into the depths of my soul I wanted to feel whole again. I wanted the supernatural. I wanted my Christian life to go beyond the realm of southern normality. I wanted to travel without having to go anywhere. I wanted to cross time and space in order to meet my God. The God who was supposed to be my everything. The God that time and time again I pursued, but never felt like he was pursuing me. The God who was a statue in my mind that never moved because my faith was not even that of a mustard seed.
So of course I immediately started to doubt myself, or more accurately I started to doubt my God. God wasn’t going to choose me tonight because I never get chosen. No matter how any times I begged and pleaded with Him I never felt chosen. I already knew the people who were probably going to be laid out, or laugh uncontrollably. I promised myself I wouldn’t judge them. I promised myself I wouldn’t laugh at them. I took a couple deep breaths, and then we all stood up in a group hands out ready to “receive”.
We were supposed to be receiving activation of the spirit. For those less charismatic it basically means you are allowing somebody with the Holy Spirit impart onto you an awakening or a fresh renewing. So that you can use the power that is available to you through being the Bride of Christ.
Instead of pleading to God like I normally do I just stood there. I cleared my mind, and I just waited. Satan, who is annoyingly punctual was right on time with the whisper of lies.
“It isn’t going to happen for you”
“You are faking it”
“Stop pretending to be something you’re not”
But the louder that Mama Cherrie and Michael prayed for the whole group the softer his voice got. Eventually I couldn’t hear him. A few minutes passed, and Mama Cherrie laid hands on me and began to pray. This was it. The great impartation!
I was prepared to not feel anything. I almost felt guilty that they wanted this for me so bad, and it wasn’t going to happen. I was ready to give up, and then I stopped feeling. The sadness and depression I held onto left me. The fear I had grown so close too disappeared. The pain of men leaving, friends disappointing, parents failing, leaders wounding, failures abounding, and guilt striking that I have felt everyday for as long as I can remember left me.
I sat down, and I wept. My hair hung in my face, and I wasn’t worried about how ugly I cried. As insecurity and fear escaped down my face I had never felt more beautiful.
Most people describe Godly encounters as “indescribable”. But what I felt last night can perfectly fit into words. I felt overwhelmingly wanted and desired. I felt like the mountains of pain and self hatred turned to dust at my feet. The absence of pain wasn’t an abundance of joy and peace. It was God showing me what it feels like when our emotions are intertwined. God is an emotional being, and when I stood there in His presence I felt how much He wanted me. God had, and always will choose me.
For me impartation was the deportation of all the things standing between me and my God. Impartation was the revealing of the destiny that God has for me. Impartation was the healing I needed to be able to see God for who He is. It was something that I will never forget. It is something that has changed me in every way. The exciting part is that this is only the beginning. The last year has been a season of rapid growth, heartache, and perseverance. This next year will be a season of war, passion, and the supernatural. I am warrior who is ready to battle the enemy for what is rightfully God’s, because a glimpse into eternity has changed everything.